*hugs*. hang in there. things will work out in the end. just take things one at a time, and you'll get through it all.

Hey Steph
Ditto on that.. one day at a time one task at a time.. just break it down and it will work out... you can and will get thru this..

I haven't said it yet, but welcome to the Bay Area. (I'm just a bit south of you on the penisula). I'm also going through a big move out of a house we've lived in for 15 years. I know it's a big strain. I find myself taking joy in the small victories - doing things on my terms and not other's. I wish you joy in small and big victories and I hope you find your path. Have you tried Craigslist.com for employment? Friends keep telling me you can find anything there.

Regards

No great wisdom here, but I went through some of the same feelings when I was moving around the country in my radio days. Denver was the toughest. Thought I'd made a big mistake, but after a few months and the fear wore off I grew to love it and the people there.

@------>--------------------------------

Long Warm Hug.

No. You are not failing. You just got there, you are just young and impatient. Just pull yourself up and keep trying. You will find something. Also, yeah there are some mean, vindictive people out there, but for everyone of those there are 10 who do care and even from people who don't even know you, you can always find kindness from many of them. Don't give up. Look at everything, not as a cross to bear, but as a challenge. A challenge I know you can master. When you feel like crying or moping, you keep posting in here and talking to us. Get it all out and listen to people who like you. Life can suck sometimes. But for every shitty thing, there is a butterfly to marvel at, a remarkable sunset and people, who even if they live a continent away, you can call friends.

Aw Steph :-\

I think that your greatest strength is also your greatest hindrance. You truly redefine the word perfectionist. When you roll up your sleeves and get to work on something, it is an amazing thing to witness. You're unstoppable. Everything you set your mind to gets done better than it has ever been done before.

I think that everyone has a defining characteristic that exhibits itself in everything that individual does. I really think that your perfectionism and your ability/compulsion to give everything your 100% comes through in everything you do. You can't just have a bedroom, it has to be a Steph-ified castle or palace. You can't have a website, you have a cutting-edge mecca of everything you think a website can be. Your personal stamp ends up on everything you touch.

However, I've also observed the dark side of this; if you can't do something perfectly, you don't do it at all. Even if it makes you miserable to avoid something, you will never do anything half-heartedly.

In the past year(?) or so, your life has undergone a number of radical changes. You ended a long-term relationship and entered a new one, you went from "college student" to "what the fuck do I do next?", went from your little dream house to apartment hunting. As a result it appears that your life is in a really uncomfortable state of flux and I totally understand how awful that must be. The problem is, you have a lot of shit to do but your life is not conducive to any of it.

When I visited you prior to your ITM-somenumber class (the one where you work on a real life project), I was astonished at how calm you were about beginning it. I would have been panicking!! I asked how you felt so confident that you would find a company to work with, and you shrugged and said, "I just know that everything is going to work out for me". This has stuck with me ever since as something that I find incredible about you. I still don't understand it at all (I win the neurotic Jew award), but I implore you to search yourself and try to feel now what you felt then. Understand the mechanism of how you were able to feel that way. Because you WILL have your San Francisco loft. You WILL have your bleeding-edge techie job. It's going to happen!! Just not as timely as one would hope. But you know it and I know it, it's all going to fall into place.

In the meantime though, I understand how much everything must suck. It's so hard to sit down at your computer and do the things you need to do when there are a million loose ends, and moreover it's not YOUR space in YOUR Steph-ified computer room. It's what I was talking about with regard to your perfectionism, if the situation isn't right and you can't do it flawlessly you don't do it at all. But I know that you will feel a million times better if you're at least making progress. It can be baby steps, but you're like a shark, you move forward or die. Remember when you sat yourself down and made all those blog entries at 1-hour intervals? Once you made yourself do it you felt so much better. Move the "ToDos" into your "In Progress" list ;)

You're strong, smart, and capable. You're going to come out of this on top.

Heck, some failure! I am going to go and enjoy some of those galleries again. You are too sexy to be a failure. ;) Also VASTLY too smart and charming.

God Erica, have you ever considered a career as a personal coach?? Your comment keeps making me both laugh and cry.. thank you so much. Thank you everyone.

I'm not sure what I need to do in order to make it happen, but I'm damn well going to keep trying. I just want to be happy again... so lost and unmotivated.

I stil remember in grade 11 when I had a very important and difficult revelation -- that it was better to hand in my crappy, unfinished essay or homework and get a shitty grade on it than to not hand it in at all. I FINALLY realized that and it saved me from failing classes. But you're right, it's so hard. And now things keep piling up so the mound of stuff to do keeps feeling more and more impossible.

God I suck at this transitioning stuff :P

I DO always feel better. But that doesn't make it much easier to START.

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*takes a deep breath*

Moving to a New City in the US would be exciting (you like adventure). Looking for a New Job would be a challenge (you have conquered this before). Living in someone's house is tolerable (for the short term). What is worry some - big time, is your comment "... dealing with insane, vindictive, misunderstanding, or hurtful people is wearing me down". This jumps out as a Major Concern! You will have to try and get a handle on this STEPH. Allow only yourself to have control over your life.

Unfortunately it's been something that we've had to go through. I detach and move forward best I can but I can't say that it's not affecting how I feel right now. Things are on the upswing with Chris's family but I know there will be more bumps up ahead.

Steph, you just described EXACTLY how I felt when I moved out here to the middle of nowhere. And, actually, believe it or not, having a job made it worse... cause I had to get up and leave my house and deal in a civil and emotionally controlled manner with people who expected a certain level of mature professionalism and knowledge from me. All I really wanted to do was play loud music, cry, and burn things in a teenage hissy-fit of "no one knows what I'm going through and they don't care".

The only good thing was coming home to my own place... but that presented a whole new level of stress for me. I had to set up my own utilities for the first time, I had to take my car in to get looked at etc.

I think you're just feeling what every normal person feels when their lives get turned completely upside down and their stress level skyrockets: alone, helpless, and utterly overwhelmed.

I still cry at night sometimes, but it's getting better every day. I have every confidence that you can pull through this too. You should consider e-mailing Uncle Rara... he's helped me see my way more times than I can count.

We all support you, so go out there and get 'er done!

Marg

There might not be bumps ahead. You aren't certain. but be ready for them in case. But it does sound like you are starting to look at the brighter side of life, which is a good sign that you should be leaving that funk sooner than you think.

I am sure that you will over come this. I remeber when I strated my book store it was one thing after another. If I had waited till I was ready to do it It would have never happened, I just had to jump in and let what comes come and only deal with the here and now. Tomorrow can wait till tomorrow just deal with today, make a list and do what you can today, it does not have to be perfect and it does not have to even be finished. Just do what you can when you can and it will work out. God Bless you, I am wishing you the best and keeping you in my prayers. :)

I dont normally post comments on your blog entries, but I just want to chime in on this one. I know how you feel, I've been there too, I think most people have at one stage or another. The circumstances and causes vary from person to person, but the emotions are the same, so please, try not to let them get to you, and remember you are not alone in this. As someone who visits this site fairly regularly, I can attest that you have some incredibly loyal and good friends.

Dont feel like you have to fix everything all at once, a little bit at a time will get you there just as well. And as for being a complete failure... Fah! you are what, 23? 24? and you have a university degree and your own webcommunity! In what possible universe could that be considered a failure? Besides, I'm about 2 years older than you and just completely changed the direction of my life, my career and everything. If I can do it, then pretty much anyone can, so dont sweat it too much!

If you ignore the rest of this post, please at least take these 2 things from it:

This too will pass

&

Dont let The Bastards grind you down.

Almost 13 years ago I pulled up roots and moved. I left Venezuela, and arrived in the United States, with nothing but a suitcase full of clothes, a large box of books, $800, and a job offer. I left behind my family and my friends, to go into the great unknown.

I knew no one. They'd put me up for two weeks at a hotel while I found somewhere to live, and rent me a car for the same period. Otherwise I was on my own. I don't think I have been more afraid of the future ever before or ever since.

I survived. I showed the people who hired me that they'd made the right choice. I made a home for myself, found someone to love, got married. Now I'm on the brink of a new career move.

I survived - and I'm not half as strong and adaptable as you are. You'll do fine.

Steph, I'm quite confident in saying that it is your inner strength, your friends, and all those who love you most will get you through this and any challenge you have to face in your life.

Transitions suck and they suck more when the jump one makes in their life is huge. And you are in the midst of making one hell of a jump. Reward yourself as often as possible from this point on because the bigger rewards, those things you want so dearly, will come. And they will come because you've known what you wanted all along. So breathe deeply, reward yourself for getting just a single thing done, then move onto the next thing.

You can do it, Steph, because you have a dedicated community of those who believe in you.